I have a first-cup-of-coffee tradition that I try to observe every morning: The search for a delaying tactic to keep me from entering Writing Mode; something that prevents me from wading waist-deep back into The Book while my caffeine level is optimized. Today I decided it was of utmost importance that iGoogle, Popurls and Inquisitor for Safari match each other–as in each service being the same shade of gray. Before any further manuscript revisions were possible, it suddenly seemed somehow reasonable that a cross-service, monochromatic harmony had to be established. I figured this would buy me at least 30 minutes before I had to start channelling The Author–and I was right. (Since I’ve been writing the book, I’ve discovered in myself a hitherto unrealized-but-inspired talent for delaying tactics. Who knew? And so yes, matching my Google home page to both my news aggregator and expanded function search pop-up seemed whacked even to me–thrilling so, in fact; the sort of behavior that would cause friends to cross to the other side of the street on mere suspicion of the project.)

Anyway, after some geeky dicking about with the appearance preferences of Popurls, chromatic parity was established with Inquisitor. Which meant that I’d only need to find a complementary gray theme for Google and my sad little plan for temporary desktop domination would be realized.Mwah-ha-ha. Or something like that–whatever a procrastinating, bush-league Dr. Evil might say in similar circumstances. Thus I zipped up to the Google theme directories where I eventually settled on Chroma Pencil Lead as the gray that would make writing once again possible.

But that’s not what this post is about; it’s just writerly backstory. I already know I’m eccentric, so there’s no need to solicit your feedback concerning my various tics. Rather, I want to share what I stumbled across during my latest instance of Putting Off Writing: A Sarah Palin theme for Google, the major portal to the world’s assembled knowledge and opinion. Here, have a look:

(If I were you, I’d want more proof this isn’t some kind of joke, so please take a moment and visit the theme in virtual situ.)

My cat has become impressively adept at miming WTF? and in this case, I second that emotion. The massive cognitive dissonance of linking Palin (a) to knowledge of, well, any kind, and (b) to inherently divergent opinions is best conveyed by this simple thought experiment: Imagine Fred Flintstone and Dino as mascots for Cincinnati University’s School of Paleontology. Like Gloria Foster said in The Matrix, ‘it bakes your noodle . . .’

Full disclosure: I just took down my Obama lawn sign; I’d left it up for a full post-election week as a sort of motionless victory dance. However, my horror at the Palin Google theme has little to do with politics or partisanship. Palin, the the Far Right’s Mean-Girl Chauncey Gardner, has declared war on The Smart–here carefully defined not as the opposite of Dumb, but, rather, as the rejection of Willful Ignorance. (Or, in the manner of “Low Information,” that appalling, politically correct description of those who won’t pull themselves away from television reality shows, let’s simply say that Smart can seen as the state of being “Informed.”) And so it follows that Smartness transcends political party. Which explains why Christopher Hitchens, Colin Powell, Andrew Sullivan, Chris Buckley,et al fled in horror from Rick Davis’ Eliza Doolittle. She might as well have farted at a dinner party–which, come to think of it, she metaphorically did. Repeatedly and at all sorts of gatherings. This is also why, even though she’s been sent packing back to Alaska (interesting expression, that, in the context of the  $200,000 worth of costuming), the Smart continue to bang on her as if she were Chuck Barris’ gong. Which explains why I’m here in the front of the line, happily clutching my
mallet . . .

But back to the point: The Palin Google theme. After I spot-treated the stains on my shirt from the coffee that shot out of my nose when I first came upon it, I admit I was confused. Truth is, I still am. How exactly is one to understand this theme? Is it meant to be taken literally? Is the user of iGoogle supposed to acknowledge Palin’s oddly blank smile even as he or she searches for quantum mechanics or atheism or–ulp–evolution? Is a user of Google (which also delivers a constant stream of complex “mainstream media” news) really expected to accept that the Magic Eight Ball of politicians (Unclear, Ask Again Later–when I have new index cards) has somehow morphed into the Cassandra of Search (Here are the top two monographs on the Constitutional definition of the vice presidency)?

“Ironic” is my default setting, it’s nothing I can help. So I’m always thrown by its potential absence. However, the only way I can make sense of the Palin Google theme is to see it as a web designer’s ongoing joke. As what the first art director of Wired once called a “mind grenade.” But in this instance, the brilliance is that the conceptual grenade keeps exploding with each new search–be it smart or stupid. The coffee-out-the-nose thing happens whether I ask Sarah about the latest advances in astrophysics or speaking in tongues, albeit for different reasons. In other words, pretty much like my reactions to her answers during the
campaign . . .