The Golden Compass, Sam-Spliced ™

Sam-Splicing ™ is made possible by Sam Elliott’s immaculate, almost miraculous consistency across roles in disparate films. The unintended benefit of this is the possibility of immeasurably improving any motion picture that features Elliott by simply adding an appropriately looped version of his Big Lebowski introduction.

Take, for example, The Golden Compass, which received mixed reviews upon its release. Now imagine this film Sam-Spliced ™. The film would open with outtake footage of Elliott’s airship floating through the night sky as we listen to Elliott’s voiceover:


“A way out in the multiverse there was an ermine, ermine I want to tell you about, ermine by the name of Pantalaimon. At least, that was the handle his lovin’ parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. This Pantalaimon, he called himself the Daemon. Now, Daemon, that’s a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then, there was a lot about the Daemon that didn’t make a whole lot of sense to me. And a lot about where he lived, like-wise. But then again, maybe that’s why I found the place s’durned innarestin’.

“They call Torre degli Angeli the Tower of Angels. I didn’t find it to be that exactly, but I’ll allow as some nice folks lived there once. ‘Course, I can’t say I seen Oxford, and I never been to Bolvangar, and I ain’t never seen no queen in her damn undies as the fella says. But I’ll tell you what, after seeing Torre degli Angeli and thisahere story I’m about to unfold–wal, I guess I seen somethin’ ever’ bit as stupefyin’ as ya’d see in any a those other places, and in English too, so I can die with a smile on my face without feelin’ like the good Lord gypped me.”


Now admit it–don’t you immediately feel more predisposed to The Golden Compass than ever before? Yeah, me too. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is the potential power of Sam-Splicing ™. I rest my case.


The unswerving consistency of Sam Elliott:The Big Lebowsk and The Golden Compass